They say when you hit rock bottom, all you can do is build back up. Okay, maybe I made that up some…but it sounded like something I’d see on a Pinterest board. Rock bottom, a feeling I felt daily. (Present day, a feeling I still feel as I am writing this). A phrase of, “What the heck am I doing?” playing over and over in my head like a song set on repeat. Except, it wasn’t a song I wanted to hear.
Every being in my body feeling resistance to trivial everyday things. I remember a time when I craved early mornings. Being up before 7 am, snagging my morning walk, hearing the coffee drip from my Keurig (on days that it wanted to act appropriately), journaling all things gratitude. & then that changed…it was if I’d become this zombie. Early wake ups became mustering up the courage to pull myself out of bed at 8 am. I skipped the morning walks, and barely grabbed the coffee as I rushed out the door to do the job that checked off the boxes.
That’s when it hit me. Whose boxes was I checking off? I sure as shit wasn’t checking off mine. There was no light to me, no shine. Merely this dark, empty being robotically moving through the day to day. Yet, I was doing all the things. Checking off the boxes that appeased others. I had the job, the stunning apartment overlooking the hills, no roommate, no baggage. At 30 you’d think I literally was thriving! 30 and thriving WOO, we have made it! Now that I look back, I should have been an actress because damn was I putting on quite the show. I’ll take my Golden Emmy now please! News flash the Golden Emmy didn’t come, I didn’t win actress of the year. All that came was this dreary monotone being that on the outside should have nothing to complain about, yet on the inside was emptier than ever before.
In fact, I won a one-way ticket to borderline depression, and I was a first-class passenger. I want to also chime in here, and say even voicing the word depression is not something I take lightly. Not only does depression run in my family, it is not for the faint of hearts. & if you are struggling with it, just know you are not alone. Opting to use the word borderline stems from a few key facts. Never being clinically diagnosed I personally wouldn't know what true depression is. Second key fact, is that the only thing I was certain of is that this version of me I didn't like. To sleep 10+ hours a day, to lose interest in my wellbeing, to want to just not feel is honestly terrifying.
Something had to change, I remember thinking, “This isn’t the life I want”. But without change, there is no change. Thank you, Sir Isaac Newton, for our science lesson post-graduation! So, I did something out of character. I did something I’d never done before. I did something boldly brave; I booked a flight to Vegas and drove straight to Zion solo. That is the trip that snowballed my wanderlust, nomadic spirit I never knew existed. It was in that trip that this inner woman had a glow to her. It was in that moment that I realized I didn’t want to zombify my life. & it was in that moment that I decided from then forward every action would be made from that higher self. The woman unafraid to choose herself each day boldly and bravely. The woman that dared to shine as her authentic self. The woman who led from a place of bravery, and never looked back.
As you read through this my hopes are that you are each inspired to find that woman within. That version of you who also shines brighter than the stars in the galaxy. That woman who dares to show her authentic self without worry, doubt, judgement, and rather with poise, strength, and grit. She has always been there, and you are allowed to be just as boldly brave in whatever sets your soul on fire. I can personally say as I go through this venture, I have no destination. There is no plan, there is no direction in how these blogs or stories start to unfold. The only certainty is that I am choosing differently, and perhaps my vulnerability enables you to bravely do that as well.
-Taryn
Email: taryn.shaffer@yahoo.com
#wanderlust #solotravel #mindfulness #travelblogger #zionnationalpark #selfcare #manifestation #suvlife #vanlife #healthandwellness
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