They say when you're 25 you hit a quarter life crisis, that is a fact. & to my little sister, Mallory, bless you for going through that right now. No one tells that turning 30, also warrants another pivotal transition as well. Now throw the curveball of Covid still happening, and lets just say 2021 I am not mad that you are over. 2021 has been the year to literally break me in every way possible. Never would I have thought that in one year I could feel anger, bitterness, confusion, isolation, and borderline depression all in a short span of time. On the flip side, never would I have thought I could equally feel joy, love, passion, life, and clarity all in a short span of time either.
I came to Tennessee 2.5 years ago not knowing what would come. On a whim I packed my car to pursue a job that challenged/grew me in more ways than imaginable. It is no hidden secret that being in Tennessee hasn't been the easiest. & at the end of October I put in notice to leave the one thing that brought me here in the first place. TBH as I write this, I still question being here & why I am...Anyone who follows me has seen I go West every chance I get. (AZ and NV were hit 4x each this year). There are many factors to that decision of leaving my role, and at the beginning of the year when it was a possibility I was angry. Not only was I angry, I was confused on what to do next. WHY would I stay in a state where the thing that brought me here was ending? Flash forward to when I put in notice I had a whammy of my uncle dying, and my dad disclosing he was battling aggressive Leukemia. In that moment my world shifted...see most people don't know that I was battling my own inner wounds, and this was the icing on the cake. Most people just saw this carefree nomad showcasing views on hikes all over the United States. & while it looked like I was having the time of my life, I was fighting everything in me to not be depressed. Some use drugs or alcohol, I chose the path of nature but for the same dopamine release. A wall was hit, things I thought I wanted didn't matter. My fitness routine didn't interest me, my sleep was atrocious, & quite frankly those early months of wanderlust adventures were me escaping from a reality I didn't want to deal with. I didn't recognize myself, and I didn't like the person I was becoming. Each morning getting out of bed before 8 am was a challenge, after work all I wanted to do was sleep, and although I am a loner there was no desire to be around people. Call me a Grinch, but low key I disliked any idea of interaction with humans. All I craved was to shut off, shut out, & be ALONE. I wanted to detach from the real world.
(PS it doesn't work that way).
What started as an escape though quickly became the healing I never knew I needed. 2021 brought a connection to a spiritual side of me I didn't know I had. If it wasn't for social media and meeting Julie, I honestly don't know if that would have been in fruition. Which leads me to my first takeaway: You have to do the inner work/healing. TBH as great as escaping sounds, that sh*t stays there when you return. Sorry, but it doesn't just magically go away...my travels at first were simply to not feel. I resented Tennessee, & it felt better to be gone. As I started doing the inner work, connecting to my spiritual side, addressing wounds...my travels shifted to a passion and light in me unbeknownst to the world. I've read more books, How to Do the Work is one I highly recommend. I've journaled daily, meditated, and grounded to build this new foundation for myself. & the darkness slowly brought light.
Now one thing I want to highlight, is this year has brought some remarkable humans into my life. Which leads me to my second takeaway: Find your tribe. As someone who is truly a loner, (I could talk to a wall lol) when you find people who are in alignment with you don't let them go. 2021 has brought amazing friendships in the most unconventional ways. This however wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for the lowest of lows hit this year. All the crying, yelling, moments of frustration, and smiles from seeing myself go deeper made that possible. I'll be the first to say in transparency, it wasn't easy.
The third takeaway: You can do hard things. Okay sure this sounds like a Pinterest quote on a fun Canva background. BUT I mean this. Not only can you do hard things, you have the power of choice! What a beautiful thing when that concept is understood. What you choose to do or don't do should be a reflection of your desires. Personally, I struggle with this. 2021 has taught me I can handle change, growing pains, seasons ending, & the unknown. It has taught me that it's okay to not know what's next...and it's okay to say this no longer serves me. Going into 2022 I am taking that knowledge bomb and digging deeper into my intuition. In this realization I have learned that while 75% of the time I often don't feel as though I know what I want or desire, I actually do.
Last and final takeaway for myself this year: I am a creative. If 2021 has taught me anything it is that I crave the creative realm. What once literally was my escape because I low key enjoyed it, opened my eyes to photography. Photography has led me to storytelling. Every hike conveys a lens of sheer admiration & exploration on documenting it. Hiking literally saved me as a medicine. (They do say Nature is healing). Those on the outside believe my ventures are remarkable...and don't get me wrong I saw some WONDERFUL spots this year. Sadly, I led most of it with the allusion that it was this grand adventure when it wasn't. Half the year held the total opposite experience. Perhaps more wander-lost as I set out to discover who I really am. What I have learned about myself is that I am quite the enigma. Traditional roles/methods are not for me. Truthfully, there isn't a moment where I genuinely fit in. Yet, I spent most my 20s searching for the norm that allowed me to fit in. For me, I prefer simplicity, minimalism, & grinding away in my own space. The things that light me up are conversations with strangers, speaking, writing, photography, & creating impact to enable others to be as bold as I seem to be. & THAT is okay.
Never did I think at 30 I would crave such instability given that I have always been someone wired for control. Yet here I am ditching almost everything "stable" to redefine stable on my terms. With that in 2022, there is no doubt in my head that the theme for this year will be self exploration. I don't know what is next, and my good friend Julie highlighted that until I know clearly what I want...that won't be the easiest to navigate. All I know is that, I don't want to box myself in just to appease others. I want to enter 2022 as bold and brave as I've become at the end of 2021. I find myself disliking being tied down, and something in me knows that adventure is the path I need to walk. Every moment is a season, & in those moments if you're doing the work ask, "What is the message?" Often it won't seem clear, yet there will be a theme and lesson to be learned. Personally, I have a lot of healing still needing to be done, a lot of venture I am meant to have, and plenty of slowing down. Wholeheartedly my gut knows the shifts that have happened between family death, illness, and everything in between is the mirror that life can change instantly. It is the mirror that nothing changes without change. What I want to leave you with as I share this more vulnerable post, is that choosing differently isn't wrong. Feeling waves of highs and lows is part of growth. & if you allow yourself to open up, the other side is a beautiful space waiting for you to arrive.
-Taryn
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