Him: You can stay with me if you want, you don't have to get another room.
Me: I don't know if I am ready for that.
Him: Then let me carry your bags to your room and set an alarm for 5:45 am because I'll be at your door with coffee for our sunrise adventure.
Me: Okay.
& just like that with a simple tight squeeze of a hug he walked me to my room and I went off to bed. What just happened? Before I could even think more, morning came and here he was at my door with coffee and a smile from ear to ear. Sunrise chasing, chasing each other down the highway, I HAVE to be dreaming. Pinch me please. But I wasn't dreaming and there we were at dinner again together.
Him: You know you can stay with me tonight, I'll sleep on the couch.
Me: You're going to sleep on the couch in a room you paid for?
Him: Well yeah, I want you to feel comfortable and I am enjoying our time together.
Me: Okay...
My heartbeat racing, all I could think was I am about to spend the night with this man and I don't know what will happen. Did he really just sleep on the couch?! I don't know if I am more impressed or disappointed that he legitimately stayed on the couch and didn't try anything. I am also glad because I didn't shave my legs, and while he did drive 10 hours to hangout with me I am NOT that type of person.
I keep thinking about that trip, our White Sands adventure. It wasn't just White Sands, we ventured into Arizona and checked off another park on my list. Another sunset, another dinner, and another night of deeper conversations except I didn't leave. I keep thinking about how respectful he was and ever since being back our convos haven't faltered. I keep grinning as I look down at my phone because it is now 7 am and like clockwork these last 60 days there's a voice memo from him waiting to be played on my phone.
Him: Hey good morning, I just got home from my shift. I hope your day went well, you got some good sleep, you're having good dreams. I'm going to grab an ice cream bar, hop in the shower, and head off to bed. Wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you, and I'll talk to you soon. Good night gorgeous.
Me: I am screwed. I don't even know what to say or do at this point. This man loves Yasso bars as much as I do, he's sending me voice memos for the "morning" once he's off work, and I can't help but smile.
Me: Good morning whenever you wake up, what flavor bar did you snag?
Yep that's all I asked, priorities at it's finest. I don't date, I don't do relationships. Is this even a relationship? Yet, I have spent more time with a man that lives 1800 miles away than men who live right by me. What is this seriously...are these even dates?! As I write him a letter back, I can't help but ask more direct questions. I am intrigued. I want to know about him. Are these dates? What are your fears? What are your likes/desires? WHY did you say yes to seeing me? Do you have any idea what we're doing? I don't even tell him that I am sending a letter, truthfully I wasn't expecting these letters to continue. Naked truth (as Colleen Hoover wrote) I wasn't expecting us to continue talking. But now the post office ladies think I am crazy as I go back every few days, and while he told me to keep an eye out on my mail he has no idea I've never checked my mailbox more.
Him: I think this view looks better. Trying to be on your level, and wishing you were here.
Me: WOW that's gorgeous, and you're showing me up.
Him: It would be better if you were here sitting on the tailgate with me real time. I've definitely been thinking about a beach date, sunset, fire, and just getting to sit there with you.
Me: You'll have to show me more of the views you get.
Lord I don't do this well, 5 years of not being open to someone and this is worse than someone sending me flowers on my awkwardness. But too late because my phone just went off, "I just left the post office, your letter was amazing". He sent me another letter?! What would he say this time, it's not like I said the softest of things in my last one. A few days later there it was just like the clockwork of voice texts, another card (Alpaca on the front, gosh he's good).
His answers were everything I could have imagined. "I know you don't open up to people, but I like how easy this is with you". "I want you to feel comfortable and know I'm not here to just get in your pants, BUT just know I am VERY attracted to you". That one made me laugh. "I was thinking maybe I could fly you out here for a few days so we can go into Utah, we do have other parks to see". "I said yes, because something about you was refreshing and I am so glad I did". "Yes these are dates, and yes I know you're 1800 miles away". "If it's okay, I'd like to come to TN to see you too". Lost in a sea of feelings? Smitten and this damn cheesy smile fills my face, and yet here I am sending another letter off in the mail...
Happy 2 months, well 2 months of knowing each other. 60 days of texts, sunset photos, laughter from random things in the day, letters on letters, deeper conversations, ice cream flavor debates, and everything else in between. I don't think he knows there's a letter in the mail going his way at the moment. I have no idea what this is or isn't. Truthfully, I have no idea what I want from this. "I've never been in this situation, and it's scary/exciting all at once". That sentence in his last letter I can't get off my mind. This isn't something I know how to navigate, and while I am enjoying this I don't know that I am ready/want a relationship. But happy 2 months of being in my life, and making me feel something...something I haven't felt in ages.
-Taryn
IG: Taryn_annette
Email: Taryn.shaffer@yahoo.com
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