Homesick: A longing for one's home during a period of absence from it. By definition, saying I am homesick once being back in my apartment logically makes no sense. At this point though, does anything?
I made it back to Tennessee one week ago, one day after my birthday after driving the last 18 hours straight, and two weeks after being my car full time. (Granted I did get one hotel, but that is because NV was 100 degrees). When I walked in I remember feeling this uneasiness. It all felt foreign, slightly familiar, but mostly foreign. As I walked into my bedroom I looked at my bed, perfectly made and my bathroom nice and tidy as I left it. Everything that should be inviting/welcoming leaving me feeling "off". Even writing this I have no idea how to word it. Beyond exhausted I crawled into bed, and as I slept the next 7 hours I dreamed about the little setup I had in my RAV4. To me I felt crazy, I even called my mom (partially to let her know I was alive LOL) telling her this is weird. How does someone quite literally say they feel better who knows how small of a space it truly is vs. this 900 ft. space. P.S. she didn't think I was crazy. She simply said, "It feels weird because you're not meant to be there anymore". That sentence isn't wrong, in fact I have had this feeling of Tennessee never being home since arriving 3 years ago. But what is home? I sat and have sat with that question for the last week now.
Is it possible to feel homesick for a destination you are unaware of? Is it possible to feel homesick for a destination you might have been to? It is possible to feel homesick for a destination NEVER ventured? Well, I don't know logically if the answer is yes. However, I will simply let you know that YES. You can (and I am) become homesick without knowing where you're desiring to go. I've been back one week, 7 days, 168 hours, and itching to be back on the road. In fact, I have mapped out 30 days of embracing my homesick heart. (Those details to be revealed as they fall). I think for most people, homesick is always deemed as the familiar. It is deemed as the place that makes us feel safe, cozy, alive, wanted, ourselves. & ironically for me...that is on the road. That for me is out with no destination at hand. I've battled that understanding for 6+ months now. We're so wired for things to make sense. For things to fit, be able to be justified, be able to be proved. & saying I am homesick without a location goes against all those logistics. But the truth is when I am on the road I feel safe, I feel MORE alive than ever before, I feel grounded, I feel limitless, I feel cozy. While I used to try and let my brain make sense of this, I have learned that sometimes you have to just let the heart lead. You have to let your heart takeover and ditch the logic. (Little disclosure, this is HARD).
The road though and what some would call nomadic or even "homeless" has taught me more than anything a city or one apartment has. The road has welcomed me with open arms in all it's beauty. The road has shown me marvelous sunrises, breathtaking sunsets, it's harmony in nature, it's ebbs and flows. The road has also led me to connect with some of most genuine heartfelt humans ever. & the road has taught me that home is really anywhere we allow it to be. Perhaps for you some of this is relatable. Maybe it's the message you need to go somewhere that lights you up, venture to a spot you have no idea as to why you're drawn to, or even let go of a current reality you're forcing logic onto. OR maybe this is the message that has you thinking I am seriously crazy at this point LOL. All are valid and welcome here. If there is one thing I truly want to leave you with though is that nothing is logical, nothing really makes sense. It isn't supposed to, and I don't think it ever will. The real lesson the road has taught me, is that the second we can let go of trying to logically make it all fit the more at ease things will feel. My homesick heart knows that right now home is wherever the road takes me next and wherever I feel called to.
-Taryn
IG: Taryn_annette
Email: Taryn.shaffer@yahoo.com
コメント